I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
(Musicians.)
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more