Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

this has done me in for some reason

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

First I was a pebble..

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging