Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

The real reason evolution started..😂

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?