I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
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*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.