Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.