I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
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“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
where’s Godzilla when we need him