I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
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There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”