I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
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You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road