I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
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“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that