Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”