I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
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sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).