Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

KID: Where’s grandma?

DAD: She’s in a better place now

KID: Canada?

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

rip to my favourite tweet

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

My last name is Zilla.

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

waiting for halloween be like:

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you