I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
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If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss