I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
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Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Speak now or ever hold your peace
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur