Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter