I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
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wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.