Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…