Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Sunday

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.