Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.