I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
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“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time