I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
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why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
that wasn’t the question
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Growing out my freckles.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”