I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
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Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
lol
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.