I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
How I’d get arrested…
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
A Short Story.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off