I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
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Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.