I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”