I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
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Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
🙋♀️
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.