I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
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The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Spotted in New Orleans.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up