Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These dogs look like they have good credit.

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

respect

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

every college guy’s fridge

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

Ladies, why y’all do this?

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that