@ieatanddrink

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

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@bea_ker

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

@AudreyPorne

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

@carlyken

So far my toddler’s most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.

@nerdonfire1

Apparently, the words “I’d still hit it” are words best kept to yourself at a funeral

@Birdhumms

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

@JeremyPoxon

[cool youth pastor voice] let me tell you the story of another special boy who miraculously left a cave

@Just_Oh_Susanna

Like my parents always said, “you’re in the wrong house, you live next door”.

@Chhapiness

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

@Book_Krazy

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]