“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
You Might Also Like
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally