“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

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WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job


him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?


So far my toddler’s most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.


Apparently, the words “I’d still hit it” are words best kept to yourself at a funeral


Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.


[cool youth pastor voice] let me tell you the story of another special boy who miraculously left a cave


Like my parents always said, “you’re in the wrong house, you live next door”.


Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie


Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]