“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
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I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.