Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

U talkin 2 me?

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Google Pay be like:

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*