Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

when revenge coincides with naptime

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*