Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?