Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.