I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
You Might Also Like
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination