I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
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We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…