Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.