Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

Brother?

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

Penguins walking in 5x speed

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt