Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

Why does laundry happen to good people?

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?

Me: Here just use this Captain America

4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]