Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

calling in to work dehydrated

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

Seas the day!!!!