Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?