Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

Okay

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

LOL

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate