Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lol

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

Classic German Shepherd 😂

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture