“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
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If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶