“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
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My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here