I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
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Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
car not found
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job