I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
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Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this