I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
You Might Also Like
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
no such thing as a dumb question
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.