Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

Foot f**ish should just be called feetish

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991