Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.