Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

Please do it!

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.

They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.

Well played Canada, well played.

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system