Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

I’m not proud

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

I never know how much to tip a cow.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

How dramatic are you?

🥶🥶🐶🐶

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

every olympics i turn into this guy

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire