I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz
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me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
where the womens at?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
This 4th of July, please remember…
