Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

Overheard:

“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”

“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.