i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
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America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe