i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
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Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
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Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
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16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
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How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.