i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
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[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.