Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…

There’s safety in numb-bears.

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!