i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.