@Not_From_Troy

I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred. The 5 responded: “How the hell did you get into my house?”

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@Storminika

I’m lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You’ll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

@Mostly_Cheese

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

@Phook75

If love at first sight was really a thing, I would’ve been married to Cheetara from Thundercats

@Pirate_nurse

In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour

@TheDeducers

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

@McFluffy537

The neighbors next door are very polite. Every night one family member gets to yell at everybody. They never yell at each other.

@Douchekevin

When I see babies who breastfeed crying I know it’s because they don’t have Oreos to go with the milk.

@mommajessiec

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”