@Not_From_Troy

I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred. The 5 responded: “How the hell did you get into my house?”

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@AimeeHelene1

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

@jazz_inmypants

[when I’m home]

me: *uses the same towel for {Censored} days in a row*

[at a hotel]

me: (calling the front desk) yea hi can you send up a few more towels I used up the 4 you gave me and I haven’t even showered yet

@youngkrazz

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

@NicestHippo

I love emoji. No longer do I have to type out “This weather is yellow face with hearts instead of eyes”

@flashember

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

@KeetPotato

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

@KyleMcDowell86

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

@RealPrincessKim

Every teen trick-or-treating tonight got a handful of candy and a, “You must be heartbroken. I can’t believe Justin Bieber died so young!”