WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
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Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff