I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
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Hey! This isn’t my car!
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
White Castle for the Win
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Midwest trash talk
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son