who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
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*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Every haunted house movie:
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”