Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.