i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
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Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Incredible customer service.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…