Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face