Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

Love is in the air fryer.

Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.