Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.