Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.