Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.