i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
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I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”