i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
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Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
i made a craigslist ad !
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.