I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
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“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Pretty certain I can more drunk
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.