Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

rise and shine we got egg

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.