I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
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“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.