I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
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If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.