I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
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You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
Bless you
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.