I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
You Might Also Like
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.