I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
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I’ve been lied to my entire life
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]